


Cigarettes and Wheatgrass

by RainingPrince



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Human, Blackrom, Multi, No Plot/Plotless, Other, Polyamory, Some Humor, We hate each other let's fuck about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:02:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25272850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainingPrince/pseuds/RainingPrince
Summary: This douchebag keeps coming into Bee's place of employment and ordering the most pretentious thing off the menu.
Relationships: Beelzebub/Dagon (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	Cigarettes and Wheatgrass

**Author's Note:**

> Yo, it's International Non-Binary people's day (July 14th) so I'm finally posting the beginning of this thing I've had in my WIPs for months, I may or may not ever add the rest. Enjoy.
> 
> Beelzebub uses both they/them and xe/xir pronouns; Gabriel is he/him; Dagon is she/her.  
> Content Notes/Trigger Warnings: Food, drug use (Cigarettes, Weed/Cannabis), non-graphic sex/fade-to-black, excessive swearing, brief discussion of horror movies.

He walked into the shop talking loudly on a phone that probably cost half a year’s worth of Bee’s rent, his crisp loafers polished-to-a-shine clicking just audibly on the cement floor of the café. His suit was immaculate, pale grey and fit like a glove, the lavender of his undershirt screaming pretension almost as loudly as the matching pocket square. He wore sunglasses, those narrow ones that only look tacky if you wear them without confidence, protection from the late-summer sun still beaming in through the full-length windows. He stood in line, chattering away about parking spaces, and Bee was already getting a headache just trying to ignore him.

When he finally reached the front of the line, he sounded exhausted and chagrined, sighing “I suppose that could work, though I’ll have to double-check with Bernie. Yes yes, I know, thank you so much for your time. Give my best to the missus.” He snapped the phone shut, completely wiping the exhaustion from his facade and grinning with self-satisfaction. “Sucker.”

“Can I take your order?” Bee asked, utterly unimpressed.

“Pomegranate smoothie, two shots of wheatgrass.”

“Sizze?”

“Put it in this.” He produced a very large portable mug from seemingly nowhere and placed it on the counter.

“XXL.” Xe punched in the order on the little console. “Anything else?”

“One black coffee and a caramel macchiato, both medium.”

Bee punched these in too and hit the confirmation button in the corner. “Name for the order?”

“Just put it under G.”

“$16.97”

He produced a crisp $20, and waved all of his change toward the tip jar. When Bee raised an eyebrow he rolled his eyes. Xe dropped it in the jar.

“Your drinks should be ready shortly.” Bee told him, and he moved toward the other end of the bar to sit and wait.

Xe didn’t pay much attention after that, as Marley made the drinks and there wasn’t much time to focus elsewhere around the flood of customers. But when Bee did eventually look up, just to take in xir surroundings, he was gone.

* * *

He was back three days later, sporting a not dissimilar suit, though his undershirt wasn’t quite so bold today. It was white this time with buttons in a similar lavender. The pocket square looked to be the same though.

He wasn’t on his phone this time, but he still managed to make himself just as obnoxious without speaking.

“Pomegranate smoothie, two shots wheatgrass.” He piped up, dropping his travel mug on the counter just like last time.

$7.99.” Bee droned at him.

This time, he dropped $15 on the counter and didn’t stick around for his change, just moved down the bar and sat down. Shrugging, Bee dropped the remaining $7.01 into the tip jar and moved onto the next person in line.

This time they did glance over, just a couple times.

* * *

“Pomegranate smoothie, two shots wheatgrass.” Bee rattled off without thinking the third time he came in. They blushed a little angrily, and added “Anything else?”

“That about covers it.” He said, his grin dripping with a smugness that made Bee’s blood boil. “$7.99?”

Unable to bring xirself to open xir mouth, Bee simply nodded and took the cash he offered. Yet again it was a generous tip, but Bee made no comment. Xe took the travel mug and slapped a sticker on the side yet again, handing it to Tasha to prepare the drink.

He was still wearing those sunglasses that looked absolutely ridiculous but somehow managed to convey an incontrovertible amount of style. Simultaneously tacky and sleek.

He caught xir looking, pulled the sunglasses down just for a second, and winked.

His eyes were unmistakably purple.

Bee almost dropped a rice crispy treat as they handed it to the next customer.

* * *

“I swear to fuck his eyes were purple!” Bee enthused, waving their hands in the air over the back of a dining chair. “Like, really purple. It looked unnatural.”

“Like Elizabeth Taylor?” Dagon asked, long auburn hair falling in a loose braid over the couch cushions. “She had purple eyes, didn’t she?”

“That’s a thing? I was this close to thinking they were contacts.” Bee bit their lip and pulled out their phone to google who Elizabeth Taylor was.

“Did you get gnocchi?” Dagon asked hopefully, craning her neck away from the show she was watching to glimpse Bee in the dining room. “I was gonna make dinner soon.”

“Yeah I got your gnocchi.” Bee said distractedly, opening up another picture of Taylor. “And your sardines. Wikipedia says her eyes were blue but she used makeup and lighting to make them purple. But I swear his were like, cornflowers.”

“Got a crush, Bee?” Dagon teased, and Bee felt xir face heat up.

“Fuck no! He’s obnoxious.”

“Whatever.” Dagon stood, turning off the TV and walking over to where Bee sat. “Come help with dinner.”

“I will not be responsible for the sauce again.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it. There are still stains on the ceiling.” She laughed, brushing a kiss to Bee’s forehead, and walking into the cramped little kitchen. Bee pocketed their phone and followed shortly after.

* * *

Bee groaned, leaning their head against the brick of the café’s back wall. The place was clean enough, but it still felt cramped and unpleasant to most people. Bee found it strangely comfortable.

They flicked the ash from the cigarette into the plant pot of unknown origins that had sort of just become the ashtray among the employees. Every few months it emptied but no one was sure who took the time.

The sun rarely made it back here, but a tiny stripe of light burned across the siding on the neighboring building. Bee had been wondering what that shop was since xe got this job.

“Got another one of those?” Came an unpleasantly familiar voice from far too close.

Bee barely managed to hide their surprise, turning to take in Mr. Pomegranate smoothie two shots wheatgrass standing just a few feet away, his sunglasses tucked out of sight.

Wordlessly, Bee reached into xir pocket and grabbed their pack of smokes, flipping open the top. They plucked one out and handed it to him.

“Got a light too?” He asked.

Annoyed, Bee grabbed the lighter from their pocket and held it out, but instead of taking it he leaned over with the cig in his mouth and waited. For some reason, this made something flutter in Bee’s stomach. They lit the cigarette.

“Thanks,” He mumbled, then took a long, heavy drag and sighed.

“I thought you were one of those health nuts. Never would have pegged you for a smoker.” Bee said, xir voice a bit more caustic than intended.

He didn’t look at them. “I should quit. Been meaning to for years.”

“Then why haven’t you?”

“We all have our vices.” He was silent for a few seconds before he spoke again. “How do you pronounce that anyway?”

“Pronounce what?”

He finally turned to look at them, and waved a hand at their chest. Bee looked down at xir pronoun pin, attached to the company lanyard. “Zee, zim, zir; but they is also good.” They grimaced. “You?”

“Oh, he is fine. I’m Gabriel.”

“... Bee.”

“I know, it’s on your nametag. What’s it short for then?”

“Guezz.”

He raised an eyebrow and looked Bee up and down. His gaze made them shiver, and also want to clock him. “Something tells me I won’t get it right no matter how many guesses I throw out there.”

This startled a laugh out of Bee. “Very few see it coming. At least, not at work.”

At this he grinned. “Then I won’t embarrass myself with an incorrect guess. Bee it is, for now.” And somehow this felt just a tad like a challenge.

“Whatever, wheatgrass.”

* * *

“Do you live around here?” Bee hadn’t intended to ask this question before xe found it falling from xir lips. But it had been several weeks and Gabriel had shown up nearly every other day with the same order and those annoyingly distracting eyes.

They were in the back alley again, tucked away from the world. Bee was grateful that their breaks were usually solo, but his company had just started to feel like routine.

“A few blocks away. This place is convenient on my way to work.”

“Then why are you back here so often?” Xe asked, waving lazily at their surroundings.

He grinned, an annoyingly perfect grin. “I don’t know, the company is terrible and the place stinks.”

Bee wanted to throw something at him but the only thing on hand was their cigarette and they didn’t feel up to parting with it yet. Xe settled for a murderous glare. “Leave then if it’s so fucking awful.”

“I’ve grown attached. Something charming about that graffiti over there. Like an old friend.”

Bee scoffed.

* * *

“You seeing anyone?” He asked, the picture of nonchalance.

“And you care, why?” Xe countered.

“Call it a vested interest.”

Bee contemplated this for a moment before cagily replying “Not exclusively.”

Gabriel almost managed to stifle his reaction, but Bee caught the upturn of his mouth, the flash of his eyes as he looked them up and down. “And if you were to add another?”

Heat pooled in xir face and pelvis, an automatic reaction to the realization of exactly where he was going with this. They bit their lip, silently running through their agreement with Dagon before answering. “I’d need to know how many other on their end, and protection would be non-negotiable.”

Gabriel nodded. “Good to know.”

Bee considered for a moment before asking. “You?”

“Those sound like reasonable terms.” He took a long drag from his cigarette and flicked the ash onto the pavement, ignoring the plant pot. “Interested?”

* * *

Bee couldn’t really say they never saw this coming, but the back of his car was surprisingly comfortable.

He took his time, mapping their thighs with his hands and drawing out the anticipation, savoring everything. It was a little more tender than expected, but Bee couldn’t bring xirself to care. “Get on with it,” xe griped, reaching down to grab his tie and pull him up for a biting kiss. It was hot, messy and angry, and in response he dug his nails into their thighs sending thrills down every nerve. “Fuck,”

“That’s the plan, how do you want it?” He whispered, pressing himself against their inner thigh.

“Got a condom?”

He snorted, and pulled away. Bee was about to protest when xe saw him twisting around to pop open the armrest between the front seats and pull a string of sleek silver foil packages out.

His grin was entirely too self-satisfied so Bee reached out and grabbed his hair, shoving his face between their legs. “Start there,” they demanded, breathless. “Those next.”

* * *

Afterwards, they stayed in the car, and Bee patted between the seats for their discarded jacket to pull out a joint.

“Don’t smoke in my car.” Gabe said halfheartedly.

“Fuck you.” Bee spat back, and lit up.

“At least share then.” He mumbled.

“I’ll think about it.” Xe said, a little softer.

“Is Bee actually short for anything at all?”

“Beelzebub.” Xe confessed around the joint. “I picked it out in high school, edgy fuck. Haven’t felt like changing it though.”

“Don’t tell me you were one of those goth freaks out behind the highschool snorting pixie stix.” Gabriel laughed.

“I was emo, not goth.”

“Not much better.”

“Fuck off.” Bee couldn’t help the snort of laughter. “Here.” Xe took the joint from xir lips and offered it to him. “You ever get stoned before?”

“I decline to answer that.”

“Oh, so you haven’t?”

“I didn’t say that.” Gabe took a long drag, held it for several seconds, and let it out slowly. “This is terrible,” he complained, nose scrunched up. “Where did you get this, some back alley dealer? Are you sure it’s not cut with oregano?”

“Not everyone can afford to buy the good shit from a dispensary, asshole.”

“Nah this isn’t even bad shit, it’s just shit.” Gabe said, taking another drag before handing it back. “Next time I’m buying.”

“Presumptuous.”

He fixed Bee with a look that made them squirm. “Next time, I’m buying.”

* * *

“I’m home!” Bee dropped to the couch and rubbed their eyes. “You here?”

“Out in a sec!” Dagon called back from the kitchen. “Did you pick up popcorn?”

“Oh shit, no I’m sorry.”

“S’okay, we can pop out to the shop in a minute.” Dagon emerged from the kitchen wiping her hands on a dish rag. “Welcome home.”

“Thanks.” Bee closed their eyes and smiled warmly as Dagon leaned over the back of the couch to kiss their forehead.

“Are you stoned?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you get stoned at work? You’ve been written-up before.”

“Nah this happened after. Speaking of, I got laid.”

“Oh yeah? Who with?” Dagon dropped the rag on the dining table and then came ‘round to sit on the couch beside Bee.

“Purple eyes.”

“I thought you hated his guts.”

“That’s the appeal.”

Dagon laughed, placing a hand on Bee’s thigh and squeezing fondly. “Sounds wild.”

* * *

“There he goes again, the one with the pretty eyes!” Tasha giggled as Gabriel took off. “I wonder what his name is?”

“He’s been coming in here for months, how have you not heard it by now?” Marley hissed back.

“He only ever gives his name as ‘G’ like some cryptic secret agent.”

“Oh please, he’s no secret agent.” Bee couldn’t help but inject. “He’s a right bastard and his car is too flashy. He’d be spotted in an instant.”

Speaking of flash, Tasha’s eyes lit up in interest. “You’ve seen his car?”

Bee’s stomach dropped. “Yeah, uh, I’ve seen him get into it a couple times.” Not exactly a lie.

“Sure.” Marley grinned conspiratorially at Tasha as he pumped some vanilla into a cup. “Seen the inside yet?”

“Fuck off.”

“Language, Bee. We’re still at work.” Tasha’s smile was a picture of diplomacy but her eyes still flashed as she turned to take another order. “What can I get for you?” she asked the next customer in line.

“But seriously, are you tapping that?” Marley leaned over to whisper and Bee flushed in irritation. “Because if so, damn.”

“Leave me out of your gross little fantasies, Mar.” there was no venom in xir voice.

“I thought you and Dagon had something going?” He asked innocently.

“Four years and counting.” Bee answered, allowing their chest to puff up a little with pride.

“That’s impressive, Bee!” He grinned. “Got an anniversary coming up I should know about? Because I will get you both flowers, you deserve flowers.”

“If you buy us flowers I will shove them up your ass.”

“Visceral. What about chocolate? Or ice cream?”

“Cookie dough. And some coffee, that fancy Haägen-Das stuff, she loves that.”

“And when should I deliver these treats?”

“As soon as possible.”

Marley laughed. “Yeah sure. We’ll make a movie night of it.”

“Movie night? Can I come?” Tasha draped herself over Marley’s shoulder. “Here, take this and get back to work.” She handed him a cup with a new order sticker.

“I guess you can come, but Marley is only allowed to bring the ice cream. He has to sit outside.”

Markey frowned, feigning heartbreak. “Bollocks. I was hoping to bring terrible horror movies and eat soggy butter popcorn but if I’m not even allowed inside-”

“Bring Human Centipede and you can participate.”

“I will hunt down a copy this very night.”


End file.
